Damnation Salvation
by Samuraiko
Summary: Abel has learned of Johanna's feelings for him, but she remains unaware of his knowledge... as well as of his own complicated feelings for her. But matters of the heart cannot be hidden away forever. The conclusion to OH GOD DON'T TELL ME and CONFESSION.


_Note: This story came about thanks to back-to-back prompts from the 31 Days community. Two quotes from Marlowe so stuck in my mind that I had to write this. They worked so beautifully as one verse that I construed it as such for this story. The quotes are "_Yet let me kiss my lord before I die_" and "_And are for ever damned with Lucifer_". As such, this story is set not long after the story "Confession," while Abel and Johanna are on assignment together._

_Just to set the record straight - the events that take place in "Oh God," "Confession," and "Damnation/Salvation" are not to be considered 'canon' as far as the UNEXPECTED RESULTS series goes. This is my chance to explore the deeper side of Johanna's relationships while leaving the primary storyline intact._

_Of course, based on the poll... it seems a lot of you are leaning toward this story of thing BECOMING canon. Interesting._

* * *

**Damnation/Salvation**

Abel Nightroad came awake with a start, his eyes opening abruptly as he tried to figure out what had woken him. Holding his breath and trying to calm his pounding heart, he concentrated, and slowly made out the sound of rain outside the window. As another clap of thunder reverberated outside, he realized that the thunder had woken him, and he rolled onto his side to try and go back to sleep.

Until he saw Johanna seated beside the window, staring out into the rainy night. She didn't seem to be aware of his gaze, her eyes almost distant as though gazing at some far-off vision, nor did she react when lightning flashed just outside the window.

Clad in a loose-fitting robe to sleep in, her long chestnut hair hanging in soft waves down her back and her knees drawn up against her chest, Abel was struck by how much younger Johanna looked that way, how almost fragile she seemed in the dim light. Then she gave a long, soft sigh and turned her head slightly to look toward him. For a moment he thought she'd realized he was watching her, but he sensed that in the darkness, she couldn't tell his eyes were open, and she believed him to still be asleep.

Abel was transfixed by the look on her face - part wistfulness, part longing, and part sadness, before she bowed her head slightly so that her hair fell forward to hide her face, then she turned to stare out the window again.

He wondered what she was thinking about, but then he realized that there were tears slowly winding their way down Johanna's face.

Before he could reconsider, he sat up slowly, swung his legs off the bed, and got to his feet to stand beside her.

"Sister?" he murmured softly, and she started in surprise as she turned to face him.

"Oh... I'm sorry if I woke you."

Abel shook his head. "No... it was the thunder. Are you all right?"

"Yes... no." Johanna turned away again to stare out the window, but Abel reached out to cup her cheek with his hand and turned her face back toward his.

"What's wrong?"

She opened her mouth as if to reply, then shook her head. "It's nothing."

"If it were nothing, you wouldn't be crying," he chided her gently, brushing away her tears with his fingertips. "Talking about it might help."

To his surprise, a faint blush coloured her cheeks. "I wish I could, but..."

"But why not?"

Johanna sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, not quite meeting his eyes. "It's... complicated."

"Try me." Abel folded his arms across his chest, ready to handle whatever unburdening of her soul she needed. Whatever it was, it was clearly bothering her, because she was twisting her hair around her fingers in a nervous habit he recognized.

"I... I feel like I'm being torn apart inside," she began slowly. "At first, I thought I was strong enough to handle it. I thought that if I just stayed focused, it wouldn't hurt. But now... it's been so long, and I've... I've begun a new life here, and..." Her voice dwindled away.

It was obvious that whatever it was, it was hard for her to be telling him this, and slowly a suspicion began to grow in Abel's mind.

"I'm afraid I don't understand," Abel said quietly. "Strong enough to handle what?"

Johanna finally lifted her eyes to meet his. "The fact that... I'm... widowed."

"You mean you're having a hard time coming to terms with the loss of your husband?"

She shook her head. "Not exactly... it's..." She sighed and ran her hands over her face, hiding it from him, and her voice came out muffled. "Damn it, do I really have to spell it out?"

"I'm afraid so," he admitted. "I'm not really certain I know what you're saying."

Without looking at him, she suddenly blurted out in a rush, "It's that I'm essentially single again, and we're here together, and we're alone together, and I..."

Abel's face went red as his suspicions were confirmed. "Johanna..."

"I didn't mean for it to happen!" she cried, lifting her head and grasping her hair in both fists. "I mean, you're a priest, and I'm supposed to be a nun, and I love my husband, and I wish more than anything I could go home, but it looks like that's never going to happen, and you've been so kind and sweet and... and wonderful to me, and... and you're just too damned handsome for your own good, so I suppose it was only natural that I'd... oh, hell."

She abruptly hid her face against her knees so that she wouldn't have to look at him.

"I'm sorry," he heard her whisper, her voice breaking. "I tried so hard to keep it to myself, but it just hurt so much to keep it inside."

She was wrong, though, Abel thought as he stared down at her. Johanna had done a brilliant job maintaining the facade of viewing him in a strictly platonic manner. But ever since the day that Johanna had poured her heart out during Confession, completely unaware of the identity of her confessor, he'd been haunted by the truth.

_Learning that she thought him attractive, cared about him_...

_Learning that she intended to keep that knowledge to herself rather than burden him with the knowledge of her feelings_...

_Learning that she believed he didn't need her or would ever forget her if she left_.

Her muffled voice startled him out of his thoughts. "Just... please don't hate me for it, Abel."

"Hate you?" he said in astonishment. "Why on earth would I hate you?"

She turned her head slightly so that she was looking up at him, her head still resting on her knees and her face half-hidden by her hair. "Because I know that Noelle was in love with you, and Esther's got her own crush, and..." The blush returned to her face. "And you're a priest. You're not supposed to... you know... get involved in that sense."

Then her smile faded. "But the fact of the matter is... I didn't want to tell you any of this because I didn't want to hurt our friendship. And I... I can't help but feel that I've wrecked everything."

"Why would you think you've wrecked it?"

"Because you don't feel the same way," she said sadly. "And now it's going to ruin everything about our relationship. You'll never be able to trust me or be alone with me without wondering if I'm going to do something we'd both regret." Once again she turned her face away to stare out at the rain.

There was a long, long silence as Abel considered her words.

"Are you so sure?" he said at last.

"Am I so sure, what?"

"Are you so sure we'd both regret it?"

"Don't tease me, Abel," he heard her say without turning around.

"I'm not," he protested.

For a long time she didn't speak, and the silence stretched on until it was almost unbearable for Abel. "Please, Johanna, say something. Don't shut me out."

Her voice was so soft that he could barely hear her voice over the sound of the falling rain. "You're a priest, Abel. Even if you... there can be no room left in your heart for me if all of it must be devoted to God." He could see her shoulders shaking from the sobs she was trying so hard to keep inside. Then she hid her face in her hands and began to cry in earnest. "Just... just leave me alone, Abel. Please..."

Slowly, Abel reached out to stroke her long hair, then the priest drew Johanna's hands away from her face and cupped her cheek in one hand. "God cherishes love, Johanna. He would not begrudge me loving you as much as I love Him."

Johanna turned at last to meet his eyes, but her eyes were haunted. "But do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Do you l-" Then she shook her head violently, her hair lashing around her face. "No, no, no, don't answer that, because I think my heart is already breaking and I don't think I could bear to hear the answer."

She looked so forlorn and miserable that it broke Abel's heart to look at her. So he reached out and gently drew her to her feet, and embraced her tightly, his cheek against her tousled hair.

"Forgive me, Abel," she whispered.

"For what?"

"This." And before he knew what was happening, Johanna had reached up, tangled her fingers in his long white hair, and brought his mouth down to hers in a fierce kiss filled with longing and heartache. Abel could taste her tears, could feel her entire body shaking with the force of her grief and her need.

His priestly vows forbade him from responding to her. There was also the almost violent desire to not take advantage of her, not when Johanna was in such a vulnerable state. And yet...

_God forgive me_, he thought, as his arms went around her to hold her closer. For one eternal moment, he allowed himself to return her kiss, to put into it all the words he would never be able to say, all the feelings for her he would never be able to share...

... all the possibilities that had been lost to them from the first moment they had met.

Then he slowly lifted his head, his body trembling and his breath coming fast as if he'd just run a mile. Johanna was absolutely still, her eyes still closed, her face as pale as death itself.

Then she opened her eyes, and it was as though all the sorrow in the world was in her eyes, and in his as he looked at her.

"Forgive me," Johanna whispered again, wiping the tears from her face, even as her fingers brushed her lips as though holding onto the memory of his kiss. Then she stumbled away from him, stretching out on her bed once more, her back to him.

Abel also returned to bed, but once again lay facing her, staring at Johanna across the darkness as she cried herself to sleep, the taste of her tears still on his lips and a single thought in his mind.

_I would rather be damned with you, Johanna, than saved without you_.


End file.
